Dear Conservative Friend


Yes old friend, I’m talking to you. You with the high-paying office job, the fine house in the suburbs, the lovely wife and the precocious daughter who’s just about to start first grade at a fancy private school – a fancy private school incidentally that has not ceased to exist despite the fact that free public education exists too (some of it very good even). But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I have come into possession of something you might be interested in. It’s a one-way ticket to a place called Alternate America. An America where the federal government is small, minuscule. Where it stays out of the way and doesn’t meddle in the business of business. Where markets and men are free. It has always been this way in Alternate America. Oh, yes, and this ticket is good for your whole family.

Whoa, hold on there friend. I’ll give it to you in a minute. Let me read you some fine print first. There are some warnings and disclaimers here… I know I know, lawyers. Always covering somebody’s ass. But bear with me.

Here’s some stuff about food:

In Alternate America, there are no ingredients on many food labels. There’s no nutrition information either, because the FDA doesn’t exist. Liberals created the FDA in 1906, during what has come to be called the “Progressive Era.” Scary! On the other hand, some food labels have more nutrition information than you could ever want. There are breakfast cereals that guarantee a boost in IQ for example, and potato chips that prevent certain cancers. And there are some magical drugs. Something called “thalidomide” for example is a wonder cure for insomnia, coughs, colds and headaches. At least that’s what the advertisements say. Anyway, if you decide to take this ticket to Alternate America, you should definitely buy some of that IQ-boosting cereal for your little girl, to help her do well in school! I’m sure it’s safe.

You might want to be careful about fruits and vegetables. There’s no EPA to set pesticide residue limits or regulate the chemicals that can be used for food packaging. But all plastics are basically the same, right? I doubt there’s any chance something bad could leech out of the container into your daughter’s apple juice. And the companies that make those pesticides say there’s nothing to worry about.

Oh… says here that some people have been claiming their kids have been getting sick a lot – stomachaches, headaches, fatigue – ever since they bought some toys made in China. Just something to keep in mind. Maybe you could buy some kind of lead-testing kit, just to be safe, since no one else will be testing the toys. Some companies say their toys are 100% lead-free. Just buy those “lead-free” toys. You believe em, right? One more thing… Stay away from the tap water. Definitely.

Hmm… there’s a lot more here about food and drugs, but let me skim ahead…

Oh, liberals were responsible for that whole women’s suffrage thing, so your wife isn’t eligible to vote. But you probably don’t care about that, because you don’t like the government anyway.

Let’s see, what else…?

If you lose your job, you’re kind of screwed. There’s no unemployment insurance. More big government stuff created by liberals. At least you don’t have to pay to help other people who lose their jobs.

Medicare and Social Security don’t exist, so make sure you save your money wisely. Hopefully you’ll always have that high-paying office job, and hopefully you won’t hit any unexpected financial speed bumps in the next 25-30 years. I’ll cross my fingers for you. Some of your friends probably won’t be so lucky, but screw em.

Travel in Alternate America is a little dicey. There are no interstate highways. The roads in general are really bad, but they do the job I guess. No one really owns them, and no one has found a good way to make money by building and maintaining them. Luckily you’ll be able to afford a car with seatbelts. The nicer cars have em. Hopefully you’ll never have an accident, because most drivers don’t have any kind of insurance. Why would you pay for insurance if you don’t have to? There aren’t a lot of really beautiful things to see in Alternate America anyway. There’s no Grand Canyon for example, because the government didn’t want to get in the way of all the companies who wanted to build dams along the Colorado River.

Oh, I should also warn you that airplanes are pretty scary. Regular maintenance costs a lot of money, so the airlines in Alternate America try to milk everything they can out of the parts they have before replacing them.

I’ll skip ahead here… there have got to be some things you’ll really like about Alternate America…

Oh, here’s one… No progressive taxation! Of course, that means Alternate America was not able to wage WWII, build the atomic bomb, put a man on the moon or win the Cold War, since most of the revenue in regular America comes from progressive taxation. And you like all that awesome war stuff, right? Go America!

No progressive taxation also means there’s no Internet in Alternate America, because it cost the Department of Defense (in regular America) a lot of money to build.

Well, those are some of the highlights of the fine print. Still want that ticket?

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